…still hopeful, but not excited

I have not written a blog post in a while and I thought it was definitely time. I’ve been sharing my journey on IG and YouTube and have neglected my blog (shame on me), so here I am. I’ve missed this little space. It feels good to be back and I hope to be more consistent with my writing as it truly is my first love and how I first began sharing my stories. Anyway, let’s get into it…

If you follow me on IG and FB then you know that I am still in the wait, still waiting on my miracle, still on this journey (which I think I’ll always be, just on the other side, even after we have our miracle). To think that I started stims (the IVF shots) back in January and it is the end of June and I’m still waiting for transfer, is kind of a blow when you think about it. It’s like, what’s the holdup? Why haven’t you transferred your embryo yet? When is this going to happen? If you haven’t been following me then I’m sure those are your questions. Let me give you a quick recap. After stims in January two embryos were retrieved. It was a miracle to have even two considering the average retrieved is 15-26 eggs. With me having a low ovarian reserve diagnosis (low AMH), my doctor wasn’t sure I would get even one. I was happy with my two, then two turned to one after they were fertilized and became embryos. As they allowed the embryos to grow, one did not progress as well as the other by day 5 and it had to be discarded. Our one and only remaining embryo was PGS tested (genetic testing), frozen and the results came back as normal – praise God. (We also found out the sex!! Check the video here if we haven’t seen it) So, the next step was/still is to transfer our frozen embryo (which will be thawed before transferring) into my uterus. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, apparently not for me.

After retrieval, we were looking at a March transfer, but that got canceled after a saline sonogram (water ultrasound) showed I had a fibroid. My doctor wanted to remove the fibroid, so instead of a transfer, I was preparing for my second surgery. That surgery literally happened two days before the pandemic lockdown. Although I was initially told we would be able to transfer in April after healing from the surgery, which turned out to be an easy surgery as the fibroid was much smaller than it showed on the scan, it got canceled because of the pandemic and shelter-in-place orders. All fertility treatments across the world pretty much were canceled. I wasn’t too upset about that because there was literally nothing we could do – everyone was suffering in some way. Fast forward to May when things started to somewhat open back up. My clinic contacted me and we started the prep for a June transfer. Yay! Best birthday gift ever right?! Nope.

After another saline sonogram, it showed that I have scar tissue, possibly from the previous surgery. WTH?! So… needless to say, that transfer was canceled. At that point, I was over it all. I had gotten so excited about the June transfer (I was counting down the days as you can see) as I had been delayed so much on this journey. Between surgeries, off the chain blood work, and the pandemic, it’s been rough for your girl. After hearing about the delay I allowed myself time to just process and feel all the feelings. It’s hard to keep going when you feel like every time you get close, you’re knocked ten steps back. It’s hard to keep going when it seems things continue to feel impossible. It’s just hard, and hard to put into words sometimes.

After being delayed yet again I went into a deeper space of acceptance. Just accepting where I am on this journey, the here and now, not looking in the future or behind me. Sounds weird, right? Let me explain. Each time I had gotten a calendar or told a date, I became excited about and married or attached to the date, if that makes sense. My focus shifted to that date or that timeframe and all my thoughts or ideas about pregnancy and our baby being born were centered around that date. I started living in the future, waiting for that date, pretty much living for that date, if you will. While that is totally normal and human nature, I think, for me, this time around I’m not going to allow myself to do that. It hurt too much each time to be told “no” (or “not yet”) after being given a “yes” and being excited about the “yes”. It hurt every time hearing that something was still wrong with my body after feeling like things were getting better. It hurt every time having to tell my family and friends about another delay after getting them excited for me. While I can’t avoid any more delays or hurt, I can protect my emotional and mental space (as best I can). And what I’m choosing to do is just accepting and living in the here and now.

Right now I am preparing for my third and, God willing, final surgery. Last surgery I was so excited because it meant I was a step closer to my miracle, this time, even though I am a step closer I’m not allowing myself to get excited. My doctor told me this procedure will be simple and he is looking to transfer in August, wonderful, but I’m not allowing myself to get excited. I’m just taking each day and each step for what it is, being grateful as I go and living in the moment. While I am hopeful and still believing in God for our miracle (I still have crazy faith and maybe this is another act of that), I’m just at a place where I’m completely surrendering everything – my excitement, my pregnancy ideas, and perfect timeframes, my countdown (sorry if you were here for that?), just everything. I’m over it all and the emotional roller coaster is too much. I’ve been at this (since being with my current doctor) for a year now and, if I’m being honest, I would be done if we didn’t have an embryo waiting. Not saying that I won’t ever be excited especially once the transfer actually happens, but right now I just can’t. One of my #TTC sisters explained it best. She said after so many disappointments, you kind of become numb to the process. You don’t feel one way or the other, you’re just trying to get through it and hopefully to your miracle. And that’s where I am – still hopeful, but not excited.

Thank you for riding this thing out with me. I will continue to share my journey, upcoming procedure dates, calendar, meds, all of that because that is what I do, but for the time being, I just won’t be getting super excited or attached to any dates, future ideas, or timeframes. It sucks that it has to be like this, but it’s the reality of this very difficult journey and how it literally takes over your life. You have to do something to stay mentally, emotionally, and spiritually grounded and keep from going crazy, so for me, at this point, I’m choosing to detach from living in the future and instead live in the moment, go with the flow, and be grateful for each and every step as I take it?

Live well,