She Experienced… Infertility

This post was drafted over a year ago and I have put off posting this day after day, week after week, month after month. It just never seemed like the right time to share this version of myself. It just never seemed like the right time in the midst of celebrating women I love who were blessed with what I was praying for, it just never seemed like the right time. But God had to remind me many times of the purpose for this blog and it’s to share my experiences…

The Beginning

I was leaving work one Tuesday evening when I began to feel what would turn into the worst pelvic pain I’ve ever experienced. Sure in the past I’ve dealt with ovarian cysts that burst and I was initially thinking that was it, but as the evening went on the pain got so bad that the only relief was walking hunched over. I made it home and told myself it wasn’t that bad, but if it got worse I would tell my husband and go to the hospital (I didn’t want to go and didn’t even tell him how much pain I was in because I KNEW he would take me to the hospital immediately). I was already laying in bed when he got home and told him that my stomach was hurting “really bad” and that it was similar to the pain I felt when I had ovarian cysts that burst, but that I wanted to just lay in bed with a heating pad in hopes that the pain would go away. I had an appointment already scheduled with my gynecologist on that Thursday so I knew I could find out what was going on then. Skeptical of my decision, Joe let me rest but practically slept with one eye open, making sure I was okay the entire night 🙂

The Discovery

On Thursday, two days later, I went to see my gynecologist. I feel like it was nothing but God that I had an appointment already scheduled right after that random bout of pelvic pain. When I went in to see my super funny GYN I told her what I experienced. She then began to ask me pregnancy questions, when/if we were trying, how long, etc. I really didn’t know where she was going with her questions. When I confirmed with her that we had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, it hit me that we had been trying to conceive for almost a year. Interesting. “So what does that mean?”, I remember asking her. I then remember her saying something about ovulation and possibly wanting to put me on some meds (I think it was Clomid) to help with ovulation and to begin tracking, but she first wanted me to go in for an ultrasound so she could see what was going on and a possible reason for the pelvic pain. She showed me pictures of the ultrasound which just looked like inside of a body to me, didn’t quite konw what I was looking at or looking for. She explained that the results of the ultrasound showed that there possibly could have been a cyst that ruptured, but that there weren’t any cysts there currently. Cool. BUT there appeared to be what looked to her like endometriosis, pencil eraser-sized fibroids and blockage in my tubes. Wait, what? She pointed out these areas on the pictures and I could clearly see the markings/scaring she was referring to. The tears began to flow because I did not know what any of that meant for me. She told me that the possible endometriosis and/or the blocked fallopian tubes could be the reason why I haven’t gotten pregnant. I really didn’t know what to make of any of this news and everything she said to me after that was a complete blur. I just remember getting blood work done and being referred for some x-ray. I left with a tightness in my chest, tears streaming down my face and utter confusion. The first person I called was Joe who is literally my rock (next to Jesus). He reminded me of the many miracles we’ve seen God do and that this situation was no different. While I truly believed him with my whole heart, the news was still so very awful and made me feel like complete crap.

The Testing

My GYN referred me for an HSG x-ray which looks at the fallopian tubes and uterus to help see the blockage. If you’re not familiar with an HSG, basically during the procedure, a thin catheter is inserted through the cervix into the uterus, and a special dye is injected. The dye allows the shape of the uterus and fallopian tubes to be seen. The doctor is able to see how the dye flows through the fallopian tube via the x-ray. If there is no blockage, the dye should flow freely through the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the dye is stopped at any point, it may indicate that a tubal blockage is present.

When I arrived into the cold-behind room, the nurse assured me that I would be okay, that the procedure was not that bad and that in her experience this procedure helped many women get pregnant because the dye actually helped to clear any blockage. That was hopeful! The procedure began and it went by pretty quickly for me. I just remember the end when the doctor told me he didn’t see any blockage and that if there was something there previously, the procedure cleared it up! Huh?! I told him that I saw the images from ultrasound last week and although I wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking at I saw something there. He said, “well if there was something there, it’s gone now! So that’s good news!” I left that place yet again with tears in my eyes, but this time praising God yet at the same time still asking, “what does this mean”?

…and more testing

The very next day a nurse from my GYN’s office called me and told me the “good” news about my fallopian tubes not being blocked, but that they were going to refer me to a fertility doctor because results from blood work revealed that my AMH levels are low and low means diminished ovarian reserve. This basically means a basket of few eggs. I was referred to a fertility doctor, along with my husband, for more blood work and testing. We met with a doctor who reviewed our chart. Because I don’t present with many of the symptoms of endometriosis, they could not diagnose me with that. As I was told, the only true way to diagnose endo is through a surgery called laparoscopy where they go in through the belly to get a legit look at what’s going on inside, but that’s usually done when symptoms are severe. Again I’ve only experienced one or two of the symptoms that are indicative of endo, so that route wasn’t even presented to me as an option.

The Results

After about 3-4 weeks of blood work, follow-ups with the doctor, google searches, tears and more tears, Joe and I finally had an understanding of what’s going on with us from the eggs to the sperm and there were solutions. The doctor first recommended an insemination procedure, which honestly scared me. And it’s not the procedure itself that scared me, it’s the outcome – what if it didn’t work? What if we had to do it more than once? Was I even ready for all of that? They wanted to try a few rounds of that first before even exploring IVF. We were both like WTH?! We just wanted a little time to process all the results before we could even think about the next move. Hearing that something is “wrong” with you is a very tough pill to swallow because then you start questioning yourself, whether you did something wrong, what you could have done to prevent it and how you can make it better. I don’t know how many blogs and articles I read about stories of women (and men) in similar situations, how God blessed them with their miracle child and how some are still waiting. It was a lot. In those 3-4 weeks of going back and forth to the doctor, it was emotionally draining (well, for me) and we just couldn’t imagine those who dealt and/or are dealing with this issue of infertility for years. We were overwhelmed. I was scared and over it.

The Plan

As of right now it has been a year and a half since that month long emotional roller coaster. We have not made any moves on any procedures. We not only wanted to take time to just sit with what we learned and process things but also prepare ourselves for what we were asking and believing God to do – a miracle. To say this journey has been a breeze would be a lie. To say I’ve been okay would be so far from the truth. To say I don’t cry and ask God why or when would be a joke. To say I don’t get annoyed whenever someone asks when we’re having a baby is side-eyeable (yup! I made that up). It hasn’t been easy, there are times when I’m not okay, I do cry and ask God why me or when will it be our turn and I do get embarrassed when someone asks about us having a baby. I never thought I would be experiencing those feelings, but here I am. When Joe and I decided we would wait and let God tell us the next move, I didn’t think the next move would be to continue to wait. I’ll find myself going back to God like, “okay Lord, what you want us to do next?” and He tells me, “continue to prepare your home and your hearts and wait”. Initially I didn’t know all of what that meant, but the more I wait, the more God reveals to me, to us. He continues to show us what we need to do in preparation for our miracle.

…the preparation

I’ve been so encouraged by the stories of couples who’ve struggled to conceive for months and even years, but God blessed them with their miracle(s) even when it didn’t seem like it was going to happen. Those stories are SO encouraging and a reminder of God’s power, love and grace. Last Spring I was encouraged by a YouTuber turned friend who I shared my story with because she and I have crazy similar stories. (I actually found her because I liked her locs and started watching her loc journey videos, then soon discovered her infertility story). In one of her Instagram posts she shared how she and her hubby were believing in God for their miracle baby and how she believed her faith needed to be met with some action. She began shopping for the baby for whom she prayed. She shared how weird she initially felt, but that God reminded her that she needed to put some action behind that faith, whether it felt weird or not. I was so encouraged by this story and she challenged me to do the same. I thought to myself that I could NEVER do this, but I told her I would think about it. About a week or so later I was convicted right in church. My pastor preached a word and told us that we have to put a “yet” behind the things in are lives that aren’t as they should be or as we would like. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t have a new car”, say, “I don’t have a new car YET!” That message convicted me and the next day I went to Target to the baby section. I picked up some outfits for a baby boy (pictured above) and said to myself, “I’m not pregnant, YET” and proceeded to the checkout line. That was probably the hardest checkout at Target EVER! I kept going back and forth, I even went back to the baby section in an attempt to put the clothes back, but God wouldn’t let me. On that day I did something weird, awkward and strange, I put some action behind my faith. On that day I started to prepare my heart for the miracle I was claiming.

The Blessing

It may not seem like it, but there is always a blessing in the waiting. So many times God has made me wait and from those periods of waiting my best and greatest testimonies have been birthed. Joe and I choose to look at this waiting period as a time to prepare spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially. We understand that there is no 100% preparedness for children and family, however, we have asked God to reveal to us areas for growth and maturation and He has been doing just that while we continue to wait!

I just want to encourage anyone who has been waiting on God for something. It may seem like everyone else around you is winning. It may seem like God is blessing others with the very thing you’re praying for. It may even seem like your situation is completely different and it may leave you wondering how God can turn this around. I encourage you to use this season of waiting to put some action behind that faith you profess to have. Don’t just talk about your faith, be about it! Joshua 3:5 tells us to, “consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” Find out what the Lord needs/requires of you in this season of waiting. He’s waiting to do some amazing things in your life! He may need you to give up some things in order to make room for what’s to come. He may need you to take one small step out on faith to align yourself with what it is you’re claiming. What I’ve come to realize is you can’t go into a new season wearing the same stuff from the previous season, it won’t work! Seek His word and His will for your life. As I’m encouraging you, I’m encouraging myself. I can’t wait to share more of this journey with you, what we learn along the way and when God finally does bless us with our miracle child! And if you’ve read this to the end, that means you’re on this journey with me and I appreciate that so much 😉

If you feel so impressed, please share with me a time when you’ve experienced a season of waiting. I’d love to hear from you.

Live well,