How many times have you said “I’m fine” when you really weren’t fine? Your world feels like it’s crashing and you have no control, so many things are going wrong that you wonder if God is even paying attention, you feel alone and even empty inside, yet when someone simply asks, “How are you?” or “Are you okay?”, you utter, “I’m fine” – sometimes with a forced smile.
Why do we do that? As women we tell each other and even our husbands or boyfriends that we are fine when inside we are feeling everything BUT! I can admit that I don’t always say what I mean. Even when things are clearly not fine, I find it extremely difficult from time to time to express this to others. I don’t know how many times I’ve said “I’m fine” and that “nothing’s wrong” only to be silently sad or angry (or my favorite – passive aggressive) for the next few hours or so until I forget about it instead of expressing it and dealing with it.
I’m sure this common trait among women is something that sounds familiar to us all. You’ve gone throughout your day and sometimes longer pretending that everything is fine; trying to keep it cool because saying how you really feel isn’t exactly “desirable”. Just think about it – if someone asked you how you were doing or what’s wrong and you responded, “I feel sad, I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m hurting, I feel empty and alone, I’m confused, I feel out of control, I feel unloved, I feel ugly or fat, my feelings are hurt…”, how do you think they would respond? I mean all of that is pretty heavy and not exactly desirable, right?! We as women don’t want to seem like we’re crazy or like we don’t have it together because of what’s expected of us. We can be emotional, but not too emotional. We should say how we feel, but not how we really feel. If we go too far or say too much then we’re “crazy”, but if we keep it in and just pretend to be fine then we’re good.
But what’s wrong with saying you’re not fine when you’re not fine? Why do we pretend to be okay when we’re hurting inside? Why are we afraid to say how we truly feel? For me, it’s always been a fear of what the other person would say, how I would make them feel or how they would perceive me. We as women suppress our feelings to protect ourselves from other people – what they might say, how they might feel or how they might view us afterwards. As a result we say what we think they want to hear, “I’m fine”, “It’s okay”, “I’m not upset”. While trying to protect ourselves, we actually hurt ourselves.
“There’s nothing enlighted about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” – Marianne Williamson
There are many funny memes and videos related to this topic. As funny as the jokes are, they are so true. Check out this Buzzfeed video that accurately captures the art of women not saying what they really want to say:
[vc_video link=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=82&v=IEwBARWPPcQ”]
What I am learning and what I want to encourage you to do is to get comfortable with first telling yourself how you truly feel. When you’re honest with yourself then you can be honest with others. Learn to effectively communicate how you feel. Stop pushing aside your emotions as unimportant or stupid. Stop pretending to be fine when you are not. The people who truly care about you, family and friends, don’t just want to hear about how “fine” you are all the time. It’s okay to say, “I’m not doing so well.” There is no growth in suppressing your feelings. Hiding your emotions might make it seem like you are happy, but true happiness comes from being true (“…the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32).
The next time you’re upset and are about to tell someone “I’m fine,” stop to think about it first. Don’t lie just because you think that’s what people want to hear. It’s okay to be a woman who feels things. It’s okay to be a woman who has a voice and isn’t afraid to use it. It’s okay to not be “fine”.
Until next time…
