Our letter to infertility

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

I have been wanting to talk about how infertility has changed me and Joe and how it’s affected our lives for the past 3 years. For this post, I decided to share our open letter to infertility.

Dear infertility,

As a child, I never thought you would be a part of my life. In fact, you weren’t really talked about or mentioned as an issue that couples face. I didn’t know how difficult, how heartbreaking or how painful you could be; you’d think something so emotionally, mentally and physically distressing would be talked about, but you weren’t. Throughout my life, I encountered or became aware of couples who were dealing with you, but it was more like they were quietly suffering, or it was known but, again, just not talked about. Many aren’t aware of the severity of you and how you can wreak havoc on the lives of many couples longing to be parents. Infertility, I’ve learned that you do not discriminate, you can show up at any time in the lives of anyone and crush their dreams at any moment. You’re not kind. You send men and women on emotional roller coasters, you test their level of patience by making them wait and wait and wait, you get their hopes up only to destroy them, and you create a cloud of shame, embarrassment, sadness, disappointment, and grief that can be so dark that couples struggle to see the light.

Infertility, despite all the ups and downs you’ve brought, I’ve met some pretty amazingly strong couples who you’ve affected as well. The countless stories of the struggle to get pregnant from so many couples are heartbreaking, it’s honestly enough to make me not even want to travel this road. Despite the ups and downs you bring, many couples have overcome you and experienced their miracle. Infertility, it’s because of you that I’ve developed a level of compassion for couples dealing with you, miscarriage, and other issues that stand in the way of their miracle. It’s because of you that I’ve been able to pray and cry with friends, women in my support group and women on IG (who’ve become friends) who are/have dealt with you. It’s because of you that I now know what someone longing to have a baby is experiencing and can genuinely and empathetically intercede in prayer for them and tearfully rejoice when their promise is fulfilled. It’s because of you that my heart for others has grown so much.

Infertility, through this journey you’ve taught me that so many have suffered in silence and I refuse to allow you to have that much power over my life or the lives of anyone I encounter. I’ve learned that because so many couples are experiencing the depressing effects you bring, it’s not healthy mentally, emotionally or spiritually for any couple to face you alone. I’ve surrendered my fears, feelings of shame and embarrassment to God in exchange for transparency to help break the chains that you create. You make people feel so alone, you force them into privacy that God never meant for His children to be in, and you isolate them from the healing that comes from sharing and being open. I refuse to allow you to do that to me and Joe. We have been very open and transparent about our journey as an act of faith and we will continue to be transparent. Because of you, I’ve been able to listen to my husband encourage a friend dealing with you and watching his wife go through so much pain and disappointment. We know that men don’t often speak about you, but because of you in our lives we are changing that narrative. Infertility, you won’t shut us up or cause us to live in shame, instead, you’ve inadvertently created a boldness in us that will live on through our miracle children.

Infertility, you’ve brought me and Joe closer to each other in a way we would have never imagined. We pray over our marriage constantly and in asking God to grow us we never thought He would allow you to be our teacher. We’ve learned that we are better as a team and the importance of utilizing each of our strengths to reach the promises of God. You didn’t break us, you’ve brought out strengths we didn’t realize we had. You’ve helped give us a greater love and respect for each other that we didn’t know we needed in preparation for parenthood. You’re helping to create in us examples that we will need to show our children. You’ve helped me see a husband that will do anything for his family despite how much pain he’s in physically and emotionally. You’ve helped Joe see that his vulnerability is needed on this journey and that it’s okay for him to express when he’s angry, hurt or sad about all the pain you’re causing. You’ve helped me to realize that I’m not alone. It feels good to have a partner and you reminded me of that. You still suck, though.

Infertility, it’s because of you that our relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been. I can say for me that I have been on my knees more in this year (2019) alone than I have in my entire life. I’ve spent so much time in the presence of God and have watched my husband seek God more than ever. Infertility, you do something to Christian couples that make us realize we can’t get through this journey without the help of God. It’s impossible. It’s because of you that I’ve learned I have zero control and it’s ultimately God who’s in control of all of this. Infertility, it’s because of you that I’ve learned how to seek out promises in the bible that I meditate on daily. It’s because of you that I have developed the habit of seeking God early in the morning and make my quiet time with Him a priority. It’s because of you that I pour out my heart to God in agonizing pain and talk to Him as a friend being completely raw and honest. God has become our rock, our very best friend, our guide, our comforter, our peace-giver. It’s because of you, infertility.

Let’s talk about how you create so much anxiety! Infertility, how could anyone have peace when they are dealing with you? How can anyone have an unexplainable calmness and release anxiety without picking it back up? It’s so hard, it’s not always done, but it’s possible. We’ve learned that it’s possible to have peace while dealing with you. It’s possible to release anxiety and exchange it for peace from the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, you still cause me so much anxiety. I get anxiety when my phone rings and I see it’s my doctor’s office. I get anxiety when I think about upcoming appointments, when I see an IVF transfer didn’t work for a couple I was rooting for, and when I experience pain from the endometriosis that I think has returned with a vengeance. It’s a hard battle, but I didn’t know I needed the peace that the Holy Spirit, our advocate, gives until I met you and thank God I know how to ask for peace because of you.

As I mentioned before, this road has been filled with so many tears, setbacks, and disappointments. I don’t know how many tears I’ve cried because of you, infertility, but I’m sure it’s enough to fill a river (or greater). Because of you, I didn’t know how timely comforting having a dog can be. Our fur baby, Cairo doesn’t know anything about you, but he knows that something hurts his momma and he’s right there with me when I’m curled in fetal position on the floor crying, licking away my tears. He hears the distress in my voice when I struggle to tell Joe how I’m feeling after a doctor’s appointment or disappointing phone call and he’s right there at our feet beside us. He senses whenever something isn’t right and will follow me around the house as if asking, “what’s wrong?” He sits at my feet during my morning devotion because it’s become such a routine that he wants to be right there. It’s because of you, our dog has become the joy and comfort we never knew we needed while helping us fight every obstacle you bring our way. He doesn’t even know you, infertility, but he’s a warrior and he’s fighting you, too.

You see, infertility, despite all the difficulty this journey has brought, it has also brought out some good for us. You’ve become our story that we will share with millions (claiming that). You’ve become our testimony that is going to set people free (already started). You’ve become our superpower, a superpower that we will need for future battles because we know it doesn’t stop with you. You’ve become our reason to fight even harder for our miracle babies God has promised because we know that anything worth having doesn’t come easy. We love our miracle babies like crazy already and it’s because of you. You’ve become our way to encourage and lift up others in a way we never knew God would use us, especially while we need encouraging and lifting ourselves (there’s that superpower). Infertility, my God is using you for His next great miracle and if He’s not afraid of you, not shocked or surprised by anything you do, and is so much more powerful than you, then we have nothing to fear. I don’t know what your intention with us was, but you chose the right ones. We stand with and in support of our fellow couples who are battling you. You will not defeat us, you will not stop us and you will not stand in the way of God’s promise over our lives.

Infertility, I never thought I would say this, but you’ve become the blessing we never knew we needed to get to such a miraculous promise we never knew we were worthy to receive. So, for that we thank you.

You still suck, though?