Today on day 2 of “Suffering in Silence” week we will take a look into living with depression. Depression is not always easily detectable by looking at someone. There may be people in your family, people you work with or attend school with who may seem perfectly normal (whatever that is), happy, cheerful and maybe even full of life and energy, but could secretly be struggling with depression behind closed doors. The thing about depression is that it doesn’t discriminate and anyone could be suffering. One of the things I’ve learned from working in the mental health field is that mental illnesses aren’t something someone can just “turn off” or “snap out of” and society doesn’t treat mental illness the same way we treat physical illness which can be seen. You can see a person in physical pain, but you can’t always see a personal’s mental/emotional pain; this is why we call it suffering in silence. I want to share with you an anonymous yet personal experience with depression. Our writer chose to remain anonymous and keep their personal/identifying information private; I have honored their wishes.
My Experience with Depression
By: Contributing Writer
This morning I could barely get out of bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to because I did. I wanted to be productive, I wanted to have energy, but I didn’t. The routine was the same. I dragged my lifeless body out of bed. I stared in the mirror and just thought about how much I wanted to hide. I don’t like myself, my self-esteem is in the toilet. At times I feel worthless, ugly, dumb and whatever other negative thing depression decides to tell me. So I put on my mask that I wear so well. The mask was perfect, or so I thought, because it hid how I truly felt and allowed me be someone else each day.
On my way to work my mind wandered. I got anxious thinking about all the things I needed to do, but then got depressed as I questioned if I wiould be able to focus long enough to do everything. How am I even capable of maintaining a job? I tried to hold back the tears because I knew once they started, they wouldn’t stop. You see, depression, and other mental illnesses, changes the way you think about yourself and the way you see the world around you.
Mental illnesses give you irrational or false thoughts, and even though you might know this, that doesn’t stop them from coming.
I got to work to start my day and that’s when the weight, additional to what I already had, engulfed my mind and my body. I thought to myself how much I wanted to go home. My day seemed to drag and simple tasks seemed to be so large to me. I had difficulty managing my workload and focusing on my tasks. Like always, I second guessed myself several times today. I always question myself and my abilities. However, while all this is going on inside, I managed to appear happy and normal on the outside while engaging with coworkers and getting through meetings. The effort it takes to blend in with others in the everyday world can be so overwhelming.
People with mental illness often appear “normal” to others but then barely function when on their own.
Now that the work day was over, back home I went! But as I got closer to home, it got darker and darker and my reality started to set in again. Work and back home was pretty much the extent of my days. When I got home, I went back to my bed and just laid there watching TV. I did get up to heat up some leftovers from dinner two or three days ago. That was normal for me because I rarely felt like cooking. When I did cook, it was something very simple and easy that required little effort. Before bed I was back in front of the mirror again rehearsing the day in my head, thinking such negative thoughts about myself even though trying to be positive. I still didn’t like the way I looked, but what else was new? Time for bed so I could do it all over again the next day.
My Reality
This was the extent of my days. I would spend some time with family and friends, but not much. I never understood why I felt hopeless. I sort of kind of had dreams and desires, but no motivation and no energy or even an idea of how to make them a reality. It was hard. It was dark. No one understood. The mask that I thought was perfect wasn’t so perfect because some of my family and friends could see that something wasn’t right with me. Although they could see something was wrong, no one really truly knew how to help me. I don’t know how many times I was told that I needed to “get it together”, “pull through it”, “cheer up”, or “get motivated”. I was always told what I needed to do, as if I didn’t know, but never given any real counsel or help to get there. It’s easier to tell someone what they need to do when you’ve never experienced what they’ve experienced. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for a while and let me say that if I could have just pulled through it I would have. I didn’t want to be depressed, I didn’t want to feel anxious and still don’t – who does? Depression is not something I chose to deal with and because I wasn’t educated about mental illness I allowed it to linger for a very long time. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed. There were days when I felt so alone. There were days when I called off work for “not feeling well”. I really was sick and didn’t know how to get the help I needed.
Life After…
One day I finally decided to tell my doctor about what I had been experiencing and she prescribed me with medication. I’ve taken Zoloft, Abilify, Wellbutrin and Prozac. We tried different medications until I found the right one for me. Even on the medication I still had dark days, but everyday wasn’t dark. I had conversations with my doctor about therapy. I was apprehensive because growing up there always was a negative connotation surrounding therapy. It was always thought that therapy was for crazy people and in my family you just needed to “pray about it”. I decided to indeed pray and seek out help I felt God instructed me to seek. I started going to therapy and at first I thought it was a waste of time and I did feel crazy. There were times I considered not going anymore, but because of my medication I was a lot more stable mentally and had more motivation to really get out of this deep pit. I started to take therapy seriously and was able to dig deep, explore some things of my past that contributed to my depression and learn positive coping skills that I was able to put into practice. Now I have clarity. I’m more mentally stable and the symptoms of my depression and anxiety are pretty much at bay. The combination of prayer (I did still pray, but that wasn’t all I did) and treatment which included mediation and therapy truly helped me to get out of that dark place. Even though I don’t experience symptoms of depression as often as I used to, there are times where I still have bad days, but my bad days now are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. I found my confidence and self-worth, I found joy in doing things I love and overall I’m in a better place.
If you are struggling with depression or any other mental illness, you have to be honest with yourself, that’s the first step. You also have to decide that you want better for your life or you will stay in that dark place. Take the small step by just seeking some type of help. Don’t let society or anyone tell you that you are weak for seeking help. It’s actually the opposite, you are weak when you don’t get help. Getting help is a sign of strength because of your recognition to want better for yourself and the action of going about doing it. If you have a spouse or children, you owe it to them as well to get the help you need. You are no good to them if you are suffering in silence. You may be able to hide it from others, but your children and your spouse they see it and they know and it affects them too. I hope by me sharing my story at least one person decides to seek help for their mental illness. Thank you for reading.
I’d like to thank our contributing writer for sharing their personal experience with depression. If you are able to relate to this story in any way and you have yet to seek treatment, I want to encourage you to consider. Continue to join us this week as we talk more about this topic and treatment options.
Head on over to drakejbarber.com to learn about Hollywood stars who have suffered with depression.
Until next time…
