10 Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

I recently ran across this great blog post chain series entitled, “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You”, and many bloggers were sharing their most vulnerable personal thoughts and feelings with their readers. I thought it was so awesome how transparent they were and thought it would be an awesome idea to start back up again with some of my fellow bloggers, but I put off the idea for weeks and weeks. I was a little hesitant about being that transparent, but then I was reminded why I even started She Experienced… and The Ladies Lounge and just said, “go for it”! This post idea came from here, here and here. These ladies were so transparent, it was inspiring. So I decided to take the plunge. Like I said I teamed up with some fellow bloggers who I will mention and link below who have joined in on this blog post chain, so I’m not taking the plunge alone 🙂

Here we go…..

1. I hate talking on the phone. I get anxious and feel awkward. I don’t know what it is about being on the phone, maybe it’s my introverted nature, but something about being on the phone makes me uncomfortable and feel disingenuous. I can’t see facial expressions, they can’t see mine, they can’t see my hand movements. Ugh! I was never really a phone person growing up either. I was never that teen that ran up the phone bill. I loved letters and emails and still do and when text messaging became “the thing”, that became my form of communication via phone. I often feel bad about this because I don’t talk to friends or family on the phone often. It has nothing to do with them and doesn’t mean I don’t think about them or don’t care to reach out, it’s just that being on the phone really terrifies me. Even when I have something to say, my mind is thinking ahead to when there’s nothing left to say and then the awkward silence or small talk comes. I cringe just thinking about it LOL. I’m crazy, I know and I’ve accepted it. So, any family or friends reading this that thinks, “man, I never talk to Sherelle on the phone” or just wondering why I don’t ever call you.. this is why. It’s not you, it’s me! Honest. 🙂

2. Being a wife terrifies me (sometimes). I’m always wondering whether I’m a good wife and whether or not I’m fulfilling my “wifely” duties to the best of my ability. I also find myself questioning “why me?”, why did God entrust me to be someone’s wife? What’s so great about me? There’s also the pressure for us to have children and that terrifies me as well. I don’t know how to be a mother, let alone a wife. I’m such a perfectionist and didn’t realize how hard I truly am on myself until I got married. I always find myself thinking in the future and how I can improve that I stress myself out and miss out on just enjoying the present moment. My husband always assures me that I’m the best (and only lol) wife he’s ever had – he’s the calm to my storm 🙂

3. I’m secretly envious of extroverts. I’m such an introvert that at times I wish I wasn’t. I’m not great at small talk or thinking/making decisions quickly. It takes me time to process. I’m not spontaneous at all – I need to know details and plan accordingly. I’m always labeled as “quiet”, which I’ve gotten used to, but it still sucks from time to time and makes me question “what’s wrong with me?” I have friends and even my husband who can walk into a group of people and spark up and hold a conversation and just mesh with anyone. Not I! So, as I learn to truly love my introverted nature, I’m still a little envious of you extroverts.

4. I find movies, shows and reports about psycho/sociopathic offenders very interesting. It’s something about psychopathic offenders that intrigue me. Before you judge me, hear me out. I took a psychopathology class in grad school and from that point on have been interested in mental health. I LOVE helping/counseling victims, but I also find it interesting to hear the story, mental health history and any trauma of the offender. I’m interested in learning how their brain works, their triggers, behavior and what treatment is available if any. Some of my favorite shows along these lines include, Killer Kids and Fatal Attraction on Lifetime (and pretty much any killer movie on Lifetime), SVU. I promise I’m not crazy LOL. This is why I don’t say this out loud.

5. I compare myself to others very often. I know they say, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”, but that’s not usually what comes to mind first. Whether it’s someone who may be doing what I’d like to do, someone in a similar situation or just someone I admire, I find myself playing the comparison game. It usually doesn’t end with me being the winner because whenever I compare myself to someone else, I’m never good enough. This is definitely something I’m working on, but just one of those things I’m afraid to admit.

6. I still haven’t taken my social work license exam because I’m scared. I graduated with my Masters in Social Work in 2009. It is now 2015, 6 years later and I still don’t have my social work license. I could have had it by now, but the truth is I have been too scared to take the test. I have put it off, applied and set a goal, then put it off again. There have been so many excuses I have used from, needing a break from school/studying, to planning a wedding, to moving, to needing a break. I’ve used every excuse and honestly I’m tired of not being where I should be, or maybe just where I want to be. I think I could be further along in my career or at least doing therapy for psychopathic offenders LOL 🙂

7. I’m always worried about what other people think and most of the time I second guess myself before doing things, wondering how people will perceive me. This is part of my worrisome nature. Probably around 5th or 6th grade is when I can remember worrying about what others thought. This is something that has followed me throughout my life. And although I’m in a much better place today, I still have those thoughts from time to time. I’m working on it and have adopted the motto, “Do something everyday that scares you”, to help me move out of my comfort zone of second guessing and worrying about what others think of me.

8. I really don’t want to be healthy, I just want the results of being healthy. Yeeeaahhh. About that. So I LOVE food! Always have and always will. And not just any type of food. Mostly the stuff that will add on pounds and shorten your life if consumed on a regular basis. My love for food goes deep and it’s so hard for me to be healthy, but I try. I don’t try because I want to be healthy, because I’d rather eat pizza, tacos, ice cream, etc., I try because I need to and want to live a long disease/illness-free life. I want my husband and my future children to live healthy lives as well. So, I strive to be healthy because I need to, not because I want to if that makes sense. I really want a large cheese pizza all to myself!

9. I often try to diagnose myself with a mental illness. Since my psychopathology class, I’ve always felt like I have a mental illness, but don’t quite meet all of the criteria of just one to classify myself. I alternate between an anxiety and mood disorder. Sometimes I feel like I have OCD because I’m obsessed with order and cleanliness and then I feel like I have a general anxiety disorder because I’m always worried about something, or obsessing over something, so maybe that can be OCD too. Idk… *shrugs*

10. I often wonder about what people will remember about me when I die or what type of memories/legacy I will leave. Sometimes I feel like I won’t be remembered for much, but then other times I look back on the memories and moments with family and friends and I have the hope that at least one of the moments or memories will be lasting and for which I will be remembered. In 2014 I lost someone very dear to my heart and to see the impact he made on so many lives from young to old really had me thinking about my life and what I am doing to help and touch others.

*Bonus 11. I’m secretly hoping you don’t think I’m crazy after reading this!!! LOL I’m so serious.

Thanks for reading my things I’m afraid to tell you. I love this challenge of transparency and encourage you if you are a blogger to join in! I want to hear what you’re afraid to tell others 🙂

Until next time…